Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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