Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
