Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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