I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
