DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
