Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
