I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize