Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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