If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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