ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
