Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
