I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
