I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
