The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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