my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
