i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
