I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize