Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
