And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
