I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
