If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Watching her eat just hurts me
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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