I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
