Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
