Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
