I wish my penis had an off switch
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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