omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
