I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
