Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
