i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Michael Bay diarrhea
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
