Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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