absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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