Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
