I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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