2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
