I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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