She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
