i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Pants are for mortals
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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