Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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