woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
