I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
