im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
