Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Randomize
