I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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