Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
