im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
