Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
