when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
