and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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