Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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