I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Screwed.edu
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
