Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
