Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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