god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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