Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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