alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
