She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
