Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He? As in you personified your dick?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
