looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize