So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
