i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
