rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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