I just pynch a tree in the face
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
