There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
