I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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